The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
