I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
