spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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