if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
