Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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