Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Let's get the cat blown out
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
