I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
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