I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
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