so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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