So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
