Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
