I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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