tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize