i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Every concussion has its silver lining
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
