Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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