I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
