so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
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