i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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