New invention idea: vibrating tampons
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize