She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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