my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
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