if i can run in heels then i can drive
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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