So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I think I have vodka in my lungs
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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