I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
