I am in a vortex of obligation.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
