I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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