Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
