you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
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