Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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