can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
