quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
