I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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