i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
