it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
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