my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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