Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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