Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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