My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize