Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
