My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Randomize