I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize