I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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