does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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