dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
