how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Randomize
