we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
