the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Randomize
