He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
