I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
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