i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
