Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Randomize
