Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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