I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
