I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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