I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize