is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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