I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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