I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
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